philosophies in life :>

Verna Bradley

Depressive week, then remembered it was my Lolo’s Bday. Bought him a cake, whole cake na now na I can afford. Vanille pa gyud. Before, I can only buy a slice. Then thinking past years I celebrated it with my ex-bestie and my ex. I thought I’m over it. But you’re never really over it gyud diay.

Open Letter

to whom it may concern, charot 🤡

If you really want to know the reason I stopped being your friend, this will be the perfect example. Actually, I don’t think I need to explain myself, the statement you said clearly shows how you believe the things you hear about me without clearing it from me first. That will always be the greatest thing I hate about you. You like believing in the worst things you hear. And I can’t believe people haven’t gotten over college? C’mon, that was lifetimes ago, grow up, move on. So here it goes, maybe you forgot about it but during 3rd year 2nd sem, you were always (i’d like to say ‘jokingly’) playfully(?) hitting on me. Saying things like, you look beautiful today or your outfit really looks good on you and even, we should go out see a movie together. And yes, maybe you forgot, or maybe it was a joke(?) but you asked me, “if I ask you to be my girlfriend, what are the chances you l’d say yes”?. I remember saying, more than 100%. That was during the last day before Christmas break. Then, when classes resumed, you stopped talking to me. During 323 class, I borrowed your phone from Earl to copy assignments and then when I swiped to see the next item, that’s when I saw you got back together. So after that, I asked some of your friends if you got back together, I don’t know if I deserved an explanation, I just wanted to know for sure. Maybe I was just a game you liked playing while you were broken up with your girlfriend. Maybe you forgot about it because it wasn’t a big deal to you. I got played. And that was it, I didn’t care about it afterwards. I NEVER WANT TO BE A 3RD PARTY TO ANYONE’S STORY. THAT’S NOT ME. AND EVERYONE WHO KNOWS ME, KNOWS I’M NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL! I still was on/off with Kenneth at that time, I also had Earl O to think about. So, I just shrugged it off. I remember you even got mad, like Earl told you I spread the news you got back together. I didn’t! I was just asking if it was true. But of course, my side/feelings didn’t matter. People always like painting me as the bad guy. Dafuq, guys? What did I ever do to you? Anyway, I didn’t tell your friends/blockmates that story. I’m not even sure I told Awon/Shena/Kin that story. I told Lya that story around 2019, when she was curious if you and I ever had a moment. Idk if Tansh/Jed/Pao/Aui was there. So I don’t know where you got that, “i told people pag college” thing. And fu, your statements are always derogatory and accusatory. “I just want you to know, I know”. For what purpose?? What you know isn’t even accurate. Believe what you want oi for all I care. I only need friends who know I am a good person and that I may make mistakes but I grow from them. I’m an entirely different person now, stop sucking me back to that hellhole with people who can’t move on. I’ve forgiven myself for everything that’s happened in the past, I love who I am now. I’m at peace, and in a healthy relationship with myself. You can’t make me go back to self loathing. It took so much for me to be here. So if that’s your narrative, please don’t be around me. Goodbye.

6am and i can’t sleep

still don’t know how to process my feelings on seeing you after 3 years. i think i will always love you. i will always cherish the time we had together. i know you have someone else na, i’m happy for you. i just miss “living together”, well not really living, but like you waking me up everyday, having breakfast, (sometimes lunch), and dinner together. i love my boyfriend but we’re not as close. he’s okay with just spending a few hours a week with me. he doesn’t miss me much. he’s more into work and games. i get lonely here sa condo sometimes. although i like living alone, i often forget naa diay ko uyab or even friends hahaha i must be going insane 🫠🫠

deleted my previous post because it was such a mess, like i was last night 🫥🫥🫥

went back and forth if i should go, decided not to. how would i feel if i see you? can’t believe it’s been 3 years since we last saw each other.

why me cryin?

played my spotify 2021 top songs, started maoy-ing with people i’ve lost then suddenly remembered R*, maybe because he reached out recently? ugly crying, music on full blast. home alone sounds really fun HAHAHAHA

okay i feel like im about to go down the rabbit hole again. so that means, i gots to write.

one of my favorite topics: my mom

this started a few weeks back when we were talking with a churchmate, she said, “kanus-a man ka mag minyo io? mu hilak ra man daw imong mama kung si chay2x mag minyo”. and mom replied, “si chay2 man gyud akong bestfriend”. i don’t know why that triggered me. i guess i’ve always known my mom never loved me the way she loves my siblings. that’s why i’m the way i am. i never believe anyone when they say they love me coz like, how does that feel? how do you know? i’ve been alone all my life and i’m so shitty at relationships. I ALWAYS FEEL ALONE. gahd here comes the waterworks. 

will i ever heal? therapy is so expensive. so i’ll just write it out. when my brother went to balamban, the first thing my mom did was check the place, see if there were places to eat, how’s the living situation? as for me, she never visited. one time she came because she wanted me to buy her sandals. my mom only remembers me when she needs something or wants me to buy her stuff, which is ironic since i was always her last priority.

i have so much resentment towards my mom but catholic guilt makes me forgive her everytime. hay naku, how to heal? at peace raman ko’s dorm alone, it’s times like these when she asks so much from me that i get triggered, paliti shades imo manghud, paliti ko sandal, milktea, palit sud-an, palit makaon. i know these are simple things but mao ra gyud? my mom just asks and asks and never even checks up on me. mao ra to. i think i feel better. end of rant HAHAHA

write.

I actually never know if I make sense.

Regarding the question thrown, only 2 things come to mind. I’ll only tackle one tonight since I have no energy for the other.

I don’t know. Maybe it was. If he never moved out, he would’ve been in a relationship with another person now (And he seems so happy with his current gf). And I probably wouldn’t buy a condo. So maybe things fell for better things to come together. Better(?) I don’t know. It’s scary. I like living alone. No one to talk to. No drama. And your life was filled with so many things/people. It was hard for me to keep track on who you were with or weren’t. You barely talked to me cause your attention was so divided with the tons of girls you dated. I wanted to enjoy living with you. I can’t imagine anyone I wanted to spend more time with. But you weren’t there. You were always on something/someone. I won’t blame you for talking to tons of people. I mean, you were there but I still felt so alone. Do you know how sad that is? To be in company with someone you love the most yet feel so alone. My dating life was a mess back then. He still didn’t know me. And I needed you. I wanted to talk to you, but you were always preoccupied. So yeah, now at the end of my rant and my answer is still, I DON’T KNOW. I loved you the most and you were the one constant thing in my life. So you leaving? I will never have the capacity to process that.

Anonymous asked:

Was it worth it?

whatever do you mean?

I know it’ll be years before I get married or engaged hahaha but I stumbled across this and now i want a sapphire engagement ring!!! Can someone propose to me and not marry me yet?

So you viewed my story 🤔🤔

Not a big deal. I’m just imagining how you’d react about me buying an android phone. I know hater gyud ka’g Android 😂 You’d say, ngano palit man ka ana na jejemon mana’g camera? Hahaha wa lang. Fun times. I still miss you and not in an I still love you kind of way, I guess. Ambot btaw. I know it’s best we’re not friends now. Probably would’ve been harder to let go if we were. I just miss you. That’s it. Unfair gyud ang life. Hope you’re doing well.

PS

Ngano’ng wa kay linkedIn? Hahaha

Part 2

I’m okay with it, of course. I watched an episode of megan and mikael where she had a hard time adjusting to mikael wanting to do lots of stuff without her. So I guess I have no choice but to be okay with it. I know he brought her to bohol with them, maybe she knows those people and I don’t. Ay ambot. Basta. I’ll be okay with it. I just won’t think about it lang sa. I’d find things I want to do. Should I go to Japan alone? 🤔

Okay. I’ll travel alone lang pud. So I have more time for myself. Or if I can bring Kirk, Mark or Kelvin 😂 I’m still scared. Haven’t tried traveling alone in a long time.

03/10

So tired and can’t sleep. Will try to write to calm my brain.

Okay, so today I figured out you unfriended me.

How do I feel about it? I honestly don’t know. So is this the end? If it is, how do I feel about it? I never imagined I won’t grow old with you. Every time I date someone, I’d do the porch test. But even now it seems like you won’t pass my porch test. I love you still, always will. You just became someone I don’t know. Or I feel like I was this tree you held on for so long when you were a caterpillar but now that you’ve become a butterfly, you go out to the world and meet new people. I wish I’d get to know the people you date. I hope they see how awesome you are. I hope you treat them kindly and with respect. I hope you find what you’re looking for, someone who deserves you :)

With all my love,

Manghud

2/16

I’m not sure if it’s fair but I didn’t want to celebrate brad’s birthday because I’d miss pepper. I know it’s obvious that brad’s the favorite because he’s the baby so we somehow neglected pepper. But I really miss pepper. She was a very clingy dog and look at those eyes ☹️